for validation, security or love -
you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater
than anything the world can offer."
- Eckhart Tolle
Most of us in some way have been wounded from the wrong doing of others.
Many wounds and deep scares came from our childhood but also later in life from the people closest to us.
Many of us have been raised by mothers and fathers that were loving and kind. Parents that guided us and did their best to make sure that we had everything that we needed. But no one is perfect and our parents made mistakes and at times they let us down and they didn't give us what we needed most.
Our parents meant well but maybe they were not affectionate. They didn't tell us that they loved us and that they were proud of us. They made sure that we stayed on the right path and they corrected us but they were never affectionate towards us and they were not attuned to what we needed most.
Most of the time when you run into this..... it is a huge possibility that their parents were not affectionate towards them either. They never heard "I love you" from their parents. Or "I am proud of you". It was never modeled in front of them.
You cannot give away what you don't have. If you were never showed love and affection during your childhood it will sometimes be hard to give love and affection as an adult.
To be seen, heard and validated is a human need. A young child cannot survive and can't develop an identity without it. As and adult we still need to be seen, heard and validated. If we don't .....this will sometimes lead to feelings of worry, anxiety and we might also feel insignificant and useless.
Unfortunately I see a lot of people around me today that were not validated as children trying to get validation through their work. They are constantly seeking validation at work by working all the time. And if they are not receiving the validation they so badly want..... they will drive themselves to accomplish more in the hope of getting the validation they so badly crave for.
Continuing down this path might eventually lead to burnout or depression or both.
John is a good friend of mine that I have known for a long time but John have a problem with never feeling loved. His father abandoned him when he was very young. John got validation and felt seen when he pushed himself beyond his limitations at work. There were never any down time in his schedule and he seldom allowed himself to take any time off from work. His marriage suffered and his relationships with his children is strained.
What kind of message to you think John sent to his children when he chose work before spending time with them?
The same message that his father sent to him. That they were not important and wanted. He wasn't available to his children because he was always at work. He didn't mean to hurt his children he just did what his father had done to him. He was trying to fill his emptiness on this inside by getting validation from work. History repeats itself.
John carried inside of himself as many others also do a strong desire to get validation from the outside world. It was only when he got this validation that he felt good enough and only then could he feel comfortable and happy with himself.
As all children that haven't been seen and heard by their parents, John was carrying and enormous longing to be validated by his own father.
What is beneath all of this?
A feeling of not being wanted. A feeling of not being good enough. If my parents didn't love or want me..... I am going to make sure that I am needed.
So by working all the time and always being available makes a lot of people feel needed and also validated.
But as any addiction..... and yes there are people that are workaholics....it will take more work and then more work and even more work to satisfy the hunger and the emptiness they feel on the inside. Yes....they finally feel wanted by working all the time..... but at what price?
In the battle they are not taking loving care of themselves and they are often sacrificing time with their families and friends.
When we feel a lack of validation from work and from our boss it can bring us back to childhood when we didn't get validated by our parents. It's memories that we haven´t worked through. Memories when our mom or dad didn't make us feel safe and they didn't make us feel loved.
Which can make us have a strong need later in life for validation that we will try to get from our work, our spouse, our children and our friends.
When we don´t get this validation it can bring back those uncomfortable memories from our past that can sometimes control our behavior. Mostly in a bad way.
So What Can We Do?
If we have a better understanding of ourselves and our past, along with self-compassion and self-love we won't have such a need for validation from the outside and from others.
In other words.... We must learn to love and validate ourselves.
If you rely on something or someone for validation.....they also have the power to take it away from you.
If you learn to give love and validation to yourself.....it can never be taken away from you.
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